“I visited many places,
― Dejan Stojanovic
Some of them quite
Exotic and far away,
But I always returned to myself.”
Hello again.
I understand it has been just a little over 2 1/2 years since I last wrote anything on this blog which isn’t necessarily something I planned but more or less just happened. No real reason for it. Just life. Life gets in the way a lot these days, or at least I’ve thought so, since we emerged blearily into the daylight after the pandemic. Life seemed to hit the fast forward button and things went into overdrive and it seems all the ideas of slowing down our lives went out the window. So I would say it is fair to assume that we’ve all been coping with that for a while now. At least I certainly have.
There are also many reasons I was grateful for taking time away from writing as for most of my life I’ve felt this urgent need to write everything down before it is forgotten. Before it disappears into the ether. Also the fact that I wanted to write semi-autobiographically about my life but in truth I haven’t lived much of it yet. I recently turned 22 and as lots of people like to remind me, that is still young. Young in the eyes of society but nonetheless young in the scope of life experience. I have lived an interesting life so far but it still hasn’t been a very long one so I decided that some thorough living of said life was needed. So that’s what I’ve been doing. Living life in the present and trying not to look to the past or future too much.
It’s been good. A nice change from the stress of believing that everything needs writing down when in actuality a lot of it just needs to be lived. It also why I’m endeavouring to take less pictures and simply live in the moment. Because I’m much more likely to remember it as a memory that way compared to taking a picture of it which removes the need for my brain to store it. Then I end up scrolling my phone for a glimpse of a scene that could have been memorised instead. Of course, there are limits to the mental capacity of the brain and not every sunset can be mentally immortalised. So, some snaps are necessary. Its learning the balance that I’m still working on.
Recently, since the new year started I feel as though I’ve become a different person. Or maybe I’m finally feeling the effects of a few years long process. Not only did I manage to travel to a new continent last year but I’ve become more secure in my belief in myself and my capacity to achieve my goals. To travel, to see things from different perspectives, to live a life I love and not one where I am simply surviving. Because surviving is exhausting. Living is exhilarating and makes you want to get out of bed in the morning even after knowing that there have been so many times when you didn’t. It’s doing it in spite of how you felt in the past but still acknowledging that you felt that way and that you have now changed. I think that’s called growth.
Whichever way you see it, the main thing I’ve learned from leaving writing behind for a few years, at least on this blog, is that I don’t need to hurry towards my goals so much so that I start to hate the journey and resent these goals I set for myself. I want to enjoy getting to where I’m going. Enjoy watching going on walks with friends, eating good food with less guilt and swimming outdoors to feel alive. These are some that I justify as being ways I enjoy life but there are so many varied ways for others. It could be working that brings you joy or sitting watching a film with the one you love most or it could even be building a complex lego set. Whichever one it turns out to be there are so many ways to feel joy in the world that we sometimes forget to remember which ones suit us; not ones that strangers on the internet tell us to do. We do know ourselves if we give ourselves enough time to do so. Maybe not completely but certainly a little.
Every night I’ve decided to read 10 pages of a book. Even if I hate the contents of the book I read because I know that focussing on one thing for more than 5 minutes can be difficult these days. I relish the challenge of reading now to stave off the small dopamine rush 3 second videos give instead. The interest in a good book can last much longer, and yes can take longer to kick in but just 10 pages and then I can put it down. Then if after 10 pages I’m still interested I keep going until I want to stop. Its small victories like that that I will continue to strive for as we enter 2024.
There are of course other resolutions I’ve given myself. Some specific and some vague enough to warrant trying to accomplish them at a later date but nonetheless something I want to achieve. This list of resolutions of course has become somewhat of a bucket list which I do strive to do each year because I feel like a year is enough of a time frame to achieve something, even if its small. So now I have a bucket list titled ’23 things to do before I’m 23′. Now I won’t be destroyed if I don’t complete this list before my birthday but it’s a good guideline to have things that keep you on track with your long term goals. I have written this list down electronically for the first time since the past 2 years resulted in 2 lost pieces of paper contained meticulously thought out bucket lists. So this time I’m not losing the goals I want to achieve. This year I will try truly living rather than simply surviving.
I have no doubt that there will be good days and days when I don’t want to get out of bed but I know that I’ve grown more to appreciate the former and not dwell on the latter. Because without hope for the future and achieving little victories along the way, what point is there in moving the duvet aside and throwing open the curtains?
So.
I am back to writing this year and thus there are many journeys I have yet to catch you up on. Salsa dancing under disco lights, running into warm and freezing cold oceans, finding new fears and new loves and adding more memories to my brain under the umbrella of ‘best moments of my life so far’.
I hope you’re along for the ride 🙂
For Wanderers and Wonderers 