The most common question I’ve come to expect from people nowadays is ‘What are you doing next year?’ which, in itself, is something that can be easy to answer logically but the second that the answer isn’t something stable, secure or definitive, judgement creeps in and you find yourself questioning whether your decisions ever made sense in the first place.

Yes, thus begins the spiral.

As someone who has now finished with the thirteen years of rigid education associated with the early years of life, I find myself questioning my own sense of self and what role I have to play in this wide world. Where I previously noticed, in the final months leading up to the untimely end of my time in Sixth Form, the progressive loss of myself I knew that I couldn’t and wouldn’t choose to lose myself further in attending University that same year. So, I decided for the other option.

Take a gap year.

Ooh Scary!

Despite the friendly and frenzied support I received from many older friends who had taken that same time to travel, see the world and discover themselves, the lingering thought that I wasn’t conforming to the ‘norm’ still dug away at me.

What if I had nothing to do?

What if I ran out of money and ended up wasting my days away at home?

What if my University didn’t accept my deferral and I lost my place?

What if COVID 19 messed it up completely? – this one especially.

All these questions swirled around for a few months until a realised, while sat crying in the bathroom at school, that I had to take the plunge for the sake of my own mental health and need within me, to travel.

Because I’ve always wanted to travel, as cliché as it may sound.

Now that I’d made that decision; then came the endless string of conversations that come with finishing school where people’s curiosity to know what you plan to do, now that your life isn’t structured from the day to day, can turn from support to scrutiny in a split second.

“What do you plan to do next year?”

“Oh, I’m taking a gap year and plan to go travelling. Maybe New Zealand, maybe India.”

This is the moment when the use of “maybe” urged forward the self-doubt I felt begin to impact and the look on the other persons face morphed into something resembling interest, along with doubt and pity. Pity that I wasn’t certain about what my plans were.

Now I’m, by no means, implying that all conversations end up with this reaction (some can be very positive) but from the MANY I’ve had since school ended; there emerges a pattern.

Going to University straight away is deemed ‘normal’ and helps prompt the next question: “What are you going to study?”

Choosing to take a gap year implies a sense of ‘giving up’ or running away from the responsibilities of further study when it is, in fact, the opposite.

It’s to take time off, maybe to rediscover your identity or sense of self that I know I lost during my final year of school in favour of homework, revision and endless worrying about results and statistics.

They don’t matter as much as you may think.

So when I was approached with these questions about my future, there were and still are times where I doubt if taking a gap year is still a good idea. Where it’s terrifying thinking about being self-sufficient in another country or living away from home and ‘wouldn’t it just be easier to go to University this year and not have to think about those things?’

No. This is something I choose to do because I now have the freedom to.

No matter what those I meet may say, be it family, friends, elderly relatives that don’t believe young people can think for themselves or those that believe that choosing not to be sure of your next move shows how unorganised you are.

I am naturally an organised person, almost to a fault. I’m the person who would pack my school bag the night before and lay out my clothes and triple check that my homework was done. I’m ‘that’ person.

So it’s really a Crisis of Trust.

Trust that someone knows their own mind.

Trust that is necessary for more people the realise that you have the CHOICE to do what YOU want to do.

If you want to go to University and have waited years to study and live somewhere you’ll thrive and grow – go ahead!
If you want to take a year to travel, go abroad, spend all your savings and find your passion, then go for it!
If you have absolutely no idea what to do with the next year or month or day or moment of your life, THAT IS OKAY!

We shouldn’t have to know what our next move is every time because discovering your wants, needs and dreams is part of the process.

Part of the process of growing up and becoming yourself.

Not what other people think you’ll become.